Lessons in Loneliness
1st October, 2019
This morning I decided to switch things up a bit. Instead of emptying the dishwasher in silence (breakfast radio being too noisy for me at 8am and Breakfast TV too distracting), I finally worked out how to listen to a podcast via our Sonos system. Just the same as listening to the radio but you search for Podcasts instead. Wow, that easy. I can be very stupid sometimes.
This morning I decided to switch things up a bit. Instead of emptying the dishwasher in silence (breakfast radio being too noisy for me at 8am and Breakfast TV too distracting), I finally worked out how to listen to a podcast via our Sonos system. Just the same as listening to the radio but you search for Podcasts instead. Wow, that easy. I can be very stupid sometimes.
Having watched Sue Perkins on The One Show on BBC the other night discussing loneliness, I was drawn to a TED Talk on the subject. I also remember watching a programme dealing with the same issue a year or so back on TV. I was moved to write about it but of course never actually did. I do a lot of writing in my head which never sees light of day. The words just seem to lurk there in the darkness, lonely and gathering dust...
Let's face it, communication and connection is a basic human need. That’s why our forefathers drew symbols; that’s why the symbols developed into language; that’s how we started to talk to each other, to pass on thoughts and feelings - to communicate and connect with others around us. And, in modern times, if there’s no-one sitting or standing next to us what can we do? We can pick up the phone, we can read a book, we can hop on the internet. All these are ways to feel that we have company in some shape or form.
So why, therefore, is loneliness such a 21st century problem? Well, there are many pitfalls and caveats to this apparently simple way of staying connected with people and the outside world. If you are of the older generation, you may not have a computer, or even if you did you wouldn’t know how to use it - nor a smart phone, nor an iPad or any of the other devices the younger generations simply take for granted and know how to use. If no-one knocks on the door or rings the landline, the ‘elders’ of our human community can go for days without seeing a soul or speaking a word.
However, loneliness is far from the prerogative of the old. Indeed, some of my loneliest times were as a mother of young children. There you are, surrounded by all that sizzling new life and energy and yet you can feel like you are the only person in the world. The problem is, babies and young children do a lot of unwitting taking and not a whole lot of giving. Yes there are the cuddles on the sofa watching kids' TV but the flow of need really goes primarily in one direction. And for all the love and contentment you feel as you see the wonderment in your young child’s eyes as they watch the Teletubbies or other weird and wonderful creatures passing across the screen, you nevertheless feel totally alone in this world - even knowing there are countless other mothers out there doing exactly the same thing. Even at a toddler group or waiting in the school playground it is still all to easy to feel achingly lonely.
Indeed loneliness takes many forms. It is not just physical - and frankly the physical loneliness is the relatively easy bit to fix. It’s the mental and emotional loneliness which is the wolf in sheep’s clothing.
In reality, anyone of any age can suffer that hopeless feeling of abandonment and neglect - the feeling that you are not just physically alone, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually alone too. My own experience of it went on for years. I had a rock-solid husband, the great provider, whom I could trust and knew loved me; I had a lovely home and three beautiful, healthy daughters. So what was the problem? Frankly, the answer to that question is way too complicated to write down and explain here but in essence, it is to do with a flow of need going in one direction only. Communication and conversation is a two-way process. And be aware too that just talking isn't always enough - the people you are talking to have to really listen, and vice versa.
We have entered a bleak age of scientific and technological dominance. For all the benefits that have come with these ideas and knowledge, the price we have paid is to de-value the nature of real company, real conversation, real life. So much of our world is virtual now, or lived through a screen (TV or otherwise), that the art of conversation is dying; the art of community living is dying; the art of writing is dying; the art of reading is dying. Think how little we write good old-fashioned letters to people these days - 'a text will suffice'. Think how little we actually speak to people on the phone - 'a text will suffice'. And if we want to call a company and actually speak to someone on the end of a good old-fashioned telephone, most of the time we can't. We have to punch numbers into the phone instead and listen to irritating and irrelevant automated messages. We have to have an online 'chat' rather than a proper conversation with customer service. And even if there is still the odd company out there which allows you to 'speak to an operator', guess, what? - you can never get through! You hang on for hours, and eventually give up, sending an email instead. Conversation over before it began.
And why are there so many instances of young male suicide these days? Because if males were always bad at talking about their emotions, then these days it is even easier to shun real conversation and hide behind messaging and gaming and other solitary activities.
Who last sat at a bus stop and looked at the passers by? Who last sat on a train or bus and actually looked out of the window or engaged in chit-chat with fellow passengers? The vast majority has their head down in their computer or smart phone these days, locked away in their own little worlds.
I'm praying that, as with so much of life, things will come full circle. I'm praying that reading and writing will become fashionable again; that talking with real people in real life will again become desirable. Given the current levels of interest and discussion around mental health, loneliness and other previously taboo subjects, perhaps this is a lesson we are starting to learn. There may just be the stirring in the collective memory that human beings were once tribal, not solitary; that to survive as a race, we must look out for each other and work together for the common good. For without this insight, truth to tell, the human race is largely doomed.
We have entered a bleak age of scientific and technological dominance. For all the benefits that have come with these ideas and knowledge, the price we have paid is to de-value the nature of real company, real conversation, real life. So much of our world is virtual now, or lived through a screen (TV or otherwise), that the art of conversation is dying; the art of community living is dying; the art of writing is dying; the art of reading is dying. Think how little we write good old-fashioned letters to people these days - 'a text will suffice'. Think how little we actually speak to people on the phone - 'a text will suffice'. And if we want to call a company and actually speak to someone on the end of a good old-fashioned telephone, most of the time we can't. We have to punch numbers into the phone instead and listen to irritating and irrelevant automated messages. We have to have an online 'chat' rather than a proper conversation with customer service. And even if there is still the odd company out there which allows you to 'speak to an operator', guess, what? - you can never get through! You hang on for hours, and eventually give up, sending an email instead. Conversation over before it began.
And why are there so many instances of young male suicide these days? Because if males were always bad at talking about their emotions, then these days it is even easier to shun real conversation and hide behind messaging and gaming and other solitary activities.
Who last sat at a bus stop and looked at the passers by? Who last sat on a train or bus and actually looked out of the window or engaged in chit-chat with fellow passengers? The vast majority has their head down in their computer or smart phone these days, locked away in their own little worlds.
I'm praying that, as with so much of life, things will come full circle. I'm praying that reading and writing will become fashionable again; that talking with real people in real life will again become desirable. Given the current levels of interest and discussion around mental health, loneliness and other previously taboo subjects, perhaps this is a lesson we are starting to learn. There may just be the stirring in the collective memory that human beings were once tribal, not solitary; that to survive as a race, we must look out for each other and work together for the common good. For without this insight, truth to tell, the human race is largely doomed.
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